I’ve got a little list – Gilbert & Sullivan

Watch a 2016 updated version here: (YouTube)

Gilbert’s own parody of the little list song:

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve made a little list–I’ve made a little list–
Of inconvenient people who might well be underground,
For they never would be missed–they never would be missed.
The donkey who of nine-times-six and eight-times-seven prates,
And stumps you with enquiries on geography and dates,
And asks for your ideas on spelling “parallelogram,”
All narrow-minded people who are stingy with their jam,
And the torture-dealing dentist, with the forceps in his fist–
They’d none of them be missed–they’d none of them be missed.

There’s the nursemaid who each evening in curl-papers does your hair
With an aggravating twist–SHE never would be missed–
And tells you that you mustn’t cough or sneeze or yawn or stare–
She never would be missed–I’m sure she’d not be missed.
All those who hold that children shouldn’t have too much to eat,
And think cold suet pudding a delicious birthday treat,
Who say that little girls to bed at seven should be sent,
And consider pocket money isn’t given to be spent,
And doctors who on giving you unpleasant draughts insist–
They never would be missed, they’d none of them be missed.

Then the teacher who for hours keeps you practising your scales
With an ever-aching wrist–SHE never would be missed–
And children, too, who out of school are fond of telling tales–
They never would be missed–I’m sure they’d not be missed.
All people who maintain (in solemn earnest–not in joke)
That quantities of sugar-plums are bad for little folk,
And those who hold the principle, unalterably fixed,
That instruction with amusement should most carefully be mixed;
All these (and many others) I have placed upon the list,
For they never would be missed–never, never would be missed!

…….

The original words from The Mikado are here:

(Ko-Ko:)
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with ’em flat —
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —
They’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!

(Chorus:)
He’s got ’em on the list — he’s got ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed.

(Ko-Ko:)
There’s the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist — I’ve got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed — they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who “doesn’t think she dances, but would rather like to try”;
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist —
I don’t think she’d be missed — I’m sure she’d not he missed!

(Chorus:)
He’s got her on the list — he’s got her on the list;
And I don’t think she’ll be missed — I’m sure she’ll not be missed!

(Ko-Ko:)
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist — I’ve got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life —
They’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as — What d’ye call him — Thing’em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind,
And ‘St— ‘st— ‘st— and What’s-his-name, and also You-know-who —
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!

(Chorus:)
You may put ’em on the list — you may put ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed!

 

….

 

… and Eric Idle’s version (watch on YouTube)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, they never would be missed!
There’s interior designers, window dressers and that sort
Bank robbers who retire to Spain the minute they get caught
Or those who have their noses pierced or men who dye their hair
Or idiots who host chat shows and disc jockeys everywhere
And customs men who fumbling through your underwear insist
They’d none of them be missed, They’d none of them be missed!

CHORUS: He’s got them on the list, He’s got them on the list
And they’ll none of them be missed, They’ll none of them be missed.

There’s the people with pretentious names like Justin, Trish and Rolfe
And the gynaecologist, I’ve got him on the list!
All muggers, joggers, buggers, floggers, people who play golf
They never would be missed, They never would be missed!
All waitresses who make you wait, accountants of all kinds
And actresses who kiss and tell and wiggle their behinds
And poncey little singers who to entertain us try
By dressing up like women and by singing far too high
And who on close observance must be either stoned or pissed
I don’t think they’d be missed, I’m sure they’d not be missed!

CHORUS: He’s got them on the list, He’s got them on the list
And they’ll none of them be missed, They’ll none of them be missed.

There’s the beggars who write letters from the Inland Revenue
And the gossip columnist, I’ve got him on the list!
Comedians and weightlifters and opera singers too
They’d none of ’em be missed, They’d none of ’em be missed.
All traffic wardens, bankers, men who sell Venetian blinds
All people who wear silly ties, Australians of all kinds
And nasty little editors whose papers are the pits
Who fill their rags with gossip and with huge and floppy… writs
But anyway I think by now you must have got the gist
They’d none of them be missed, They’d none of them be missed!

CHORUS: You may put them on the list, You may put them on the list
And they’ll none of them be missed, they’ll none of them be missed!