Bernie, the Hottest Chair of Governors in the Land

Here’s a singalong version for those who can fit the words to no-clues karaoke music …


You could hear the engine roar
As he sped towards the door
And the clatter of his folders
As they fell upon the floor.
And he burst into the staffroom
His agenda in his hand –
His name was Bernie
And he chaired the hottest GB in the land

Now Bernie’s new headteacher
A lady known as Sue
Had just reviewed their last year’s SEF
Which gave them a grade two
She said they were too good for that,
That they ought to get a one
But Bernie said they had to show
The impact of what they’d done.
They called him Bernie (Bernie)
And he chaired the hottest GB in the land

She said she’d like the targets set
He said, “We’ll do it later.”
And when he finished work one night
They looked at all the data.
He said, “Shall we go with FFT-D
‘Cause FFT-D is best?”
She said, “Bernie, I’ll be happy
To aim for FFT-E and F.”
And that tickled old Bernie (Bernie)
And he chaired the hottest GB in the land

Now the head, she had a colleague,
A staunch academies fan,
Called DfE Dave from Doddington
And he had a cunning plan.
He taunted her about MFL
And asked why she’d chosen French.
When he invented some rules
About Latin in schools
It very near made her blench.

He said there were scores of schools getting fours,
Then he said, “But there is a way –
You’ll have choice about your curriculum
And an 18 month delay.”
He knew once she’d seen it as being “free”
He’d have his wicked way
And all Bernie had to offer
Was the support of the LA.
Poor Bernie (Bernie)
And he chaired the hottest GB in the land

The governors asked Dave to a lunchtime meeting, the matter to debate
It drove him mad to find they were still there at half past eight
And as he finally rose from the table
Hot blood made his temper spark
And he went across to Bernie’s side
And he didn’t half kick his clerk
Whose name was Roddie (Roddie)
And he clerked the hottest GB in the land,

Now Bernie wasn’t quite convinced
The academy route was right
He said, “Don’t think we’ll be changing status,
The parents’ll put up a fight.”
“Oh, do you want to take a bet on that?”
Dave sneeringly replied.
“So just to make it interesting
Let’s have ten quid on the side.”

Then Ofsted paid a sudden visit
Who could have called them in?
They looked through all the data
And said, “You’re for the bin!”
But Bernie was too quick for them
Things didn’t go the way they planned
And evidence of starting points
Meant he regained the upper hand.
Now Sue she ran between them
And tried to make her case
And Bernie pushed her aside
But the inspectors checked for “pace”.
And Bernie looked on in pained surprise,
Expecting to get a Two.
To his startled eyes, there appeared RIs
And a recommended external review…
Poor Bernie! (Bernie)
And he chaired the hottest GB in the land

Bernie was only fifty-two, he didn’t want to disappear
So he went to make a difference
In another, political, sphere –
One where the unions are angels
And new free schools are banned
And an MP’s life is full of fun
In that airy fairy land.
Now, a party’s term of office
Must one day come to an end
And strange things happened on election night
Which changed things for our friend.

Was it the PISA rankings
That carried the most weight?
Well, Bernie was reincarnated as the new Secretary of State.
They won’t forget Bernie (Bernie)
And he chaired the hottest GB in the land!

Want to see the original?   Youtube video

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